Even Nigerian Princes Need Grammar...

Help Wanted!

... and I am just the grammarian to help out.

I'm sending out applications to online education services --- trying to become an editor or at least get a few editing gigs under my belt to help me fill out weak areas in my resume. And it wouldn't hurt to make money, either. I have edited friend's papers -- and you know I'm secretly correcting the grammar on all Facebook memes, posts, and comments -- but I don't get paid enough* to declare myself a company and I didn't do the work for a specific company. I need to change one of those.



So here is the cover letter I sent to XXXXXXXX with my resume. I hope you find the humor in it.

Phyl Campbell
email
address
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Editor
XXXXXXXX
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address

Dear Beloved Friend,

I know this message will come to you as a surprise, but permit me to tell you of my desire to enter into a business relationship with you.

I am Mrs. Phyl Campbell, a daughter of a very poor but hardworking farmer and nurse. Unlike the parents of Nigerian princes, my parents have not been murdered, but in fact are very much alive and have no money with which to entice you into a poor business agreement. However, if I met a Nigerian prince, I would help him with his grammar. The emails I receive from these princes are quite painful to read.

I am here seeking an avenue to transfer my knowledge of grammar and editing into the accounts of your program. I wish to know that you are a reliable and trustworthy person with whom to entrust the richness of my knowledge.

Please, I will offer you one hundred percent of my diligence and commitment to grammar. I wish to urgently transfer my skills without delay and also wish to not relocate, but to work remotely as life in my city is peaceful and I know you have these opportunities available.

Working for XXXXXXXX would allow me to continue my education in the giant lesson of life. Your immediate canned response of application receipt would be appreciated, followed by contact in a week or two because I really want us to have a business relationship, working together toward XXXXXXXX’s commitment to benign world domination.

Cordially yours,

Phyl Campbell

Phone
email
address
address

What's the oddest cover letter you've ever sent?

I'm also looking to teach more publishing classes in town and online. If you want to join in, be sure to connect with me!

* I have been paid in tamales once, and food often. Though I am the LAST person to make critique about food, others in my house drooled over my payment plan. Mmm! Tamales!

How (and Why) to Caveat Emptor

Many buyer beware stories start off the same way: someone stops by a house and offers to work fast and cheap. This work might include tree/limb removal, gutter cleaning, or roof patching. Often these tasks fall under the category of things a homeowner might consider doing him or herself, but if someone is willing to do it cheaper and with less hassle to the homeowner, then what’s the harm – right? The homeowner may be handed a business card or have a truck with a company logo on it. It looks legit – right?

What buyer beware stories don’t discuss, what may be impossible to determine accurately, is how many times these situations work out for the best. Boy Scouts CAN clean gutters. An enterprising young person CAN paint houses. Anyone with a chainsaw and a little experience CAN trim a tree. Why must a homeowner contact state and local agencies to check out every entrepreneur that comes offering help? Why must a homeowner pay taxes on services rendered at their home, under the table? If there were more problems than success stories, homeowners would be a lot more cautious. Therefore, it must be rare for things to go wrong.

Occasionally, however, things go wrong. And when they go wrong, they go terribly wrong. Like when a Little Rock homeowner posted for help on social media finding the people who did this:

A picture is worth a thousand words -- and in this case, easily thousands of dollars in damages.

image posted on https://www.facebook.com/forbidden.hillcrest ; Riley Adams -- homeowner and photographer

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The tree crashed into the homeowner's three-year-old’s room. The owners were out of the house and no one was injured. Neighbors alerted the owners when the fly-by-night entrepreneurs fled the scene of the broken home and fallen tree. The owners tried to call the number on the business card they were given – but there was no answer. So the homeowners turned to social media.

Some commenters on Facebook turned on this family in their time of victimhood, crying "caveat emptor!" Many of them knew reasonable licensed tree-service professionals. Professional arborists, for example, would have cut the tree in pieces from the top down. It would have taken longer and cost more to do it this way. But it would have prevented the expense these “victims” will face in restoring their home. Reputable businesses cost more to run than businesses which fly by night. They often pay higher wages and corporate taxes, as well as having to pay for licenses, insurance, and bonding. These costs are worked into the cost of doing business and passed on to customers.

Many customers choose to risk rock bottom rates over paying the rates of businesses who operate safely and legally. Businesses have fairly fixed overhead costs. However, many customers fail to consider economy of scale. Dividing the fixed costs of legitimate businesses by two jobs yields a higher per job rate than dividing those costs by 20 jobs or 200 jobs. The more work a company contracts, the cheaper each contract. Conversely, the fewer contracts, the more expensive each contract. If small legitimate businesses can't get enough contracts, they are less likely to hire more help and expand. Worse, small businesses risk going under. As a result, every time a fly by night entrepreneur takes a contract from a legitimate business, everyone pays more -- and that's BEFORE someone's home is destroyed.

Homeowners may still choose to do work themselves; however, most city ordinances prevent homeowners from hiring unlicensed outside help. So if homeowners are caught hiring an unlicensed entrepreneurs, penalties could be imposed by various governing bodies. Most homeowners aren't penalized because by the time the governing body is informed about the shoddy workmanship, the homeowner’s personal damages are already significant. However, every time citizens support unlicensed business practices, they hurt legitimate small businesses and drive the costs up for everyone. 

Please visit the following government agencies or their websites for education and assistance before hiring cheap labor that costs more than was bargained for.

State Contractor’s Licensing Board

Homeowners’ Association Webpage or Bylaws

City Ordinance Bylaws for the homeowner’s city and state

Phyl Campbell posts parenting and how-to articles to her blog on Mondays. She is author of several books, including Mother Confessor, Carley Patrol, and Martha's Chickens & the Pirates. Check out her blog and website for more information.

A Failure of Epic Proportions

So, suffice to say I’ve been quiet the last two weeks. Really, since my birthday. But with winter break and NYE and going on vacation to Florida – then returning to 20 degree temps and getting sick – well, it was understandable that it would take me a little longer to get back into the rhythm of things.

And then I got a job. And at that job, I lasted 6 days.

What was the job?

I was working at the warehouse of my very favorite online used bookstore, which happens to be a stone’s throw from my house. The bosses were wonderful. The co-workers lacked the negative attitudes you see in a lot of office and temp positions. People went out of their way to be nice to me and help me figure out the ropes – maybe because they could see me struggling so much.

So what was the problem?

Well, maybe I never truly got over my illness from late December.

There were precarious stacks of books that fell as I was trying to reach JUST the ONE.

Splinters and broken fingernails are not a laughing matter to me.

There was a certain door that needed a new latch, because only door whisperers could open it, but that I needed to open several times a day.

There’s the nerdy girl who is more than aware that having a round shape is not the same as being in good shape, and moving an extra hundred plus pounds from one side of the warehouse to the other wore on me.

And there’s the night owl who wants to write and sell books for a living who was having a dickens of a time getting up and to work on time (I would go to bed early/on time, but kept waking up throughout the night thinking I needed to get up for work). And when I got home, I was dead. My body was dead. My brain was dead. Some of my comments to people misused their/there/they’re, for grammar’s sake! Anything I added to Works In Progress would be suspect.

There’s a part of me that still recoils from the last warehouse job I had, and just entering a warehouse is kind of hive-inspiring (I didn’t tell them that when they hired me, because BOOKS).

There was my husband trying to help out and play Mr. Mom when I came home exhausted – and the fact that my 40 hour week earned less than one of his 10 hour days.

So there were a lot of less-than-significant things. But Wednesday is hump day. Hump day is for camels. This camel’s back was broken. Time to move on.

"O My Camel -- You Did What?" -- Morguefile Photo

It’s a tough thing to acknowledge that you have a comfort zone. It’s equally tough to know when you’re reaching outside of it – and when you’re plunging into something altogether different from what you were expecting. But it’s good for me – my hubris was getting a bit out of whack, for example – to try new things, to see what I could learn, and to grow. Sometimes, I even need to admit defeat. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying other new experiences. Who could succeed without at least a few epic failures? And who likes those people, anyway? I’d rather celebrate my bumps and bruises.

So as I lick my wounds over this “failure of epic proportions,” and get over the nastiness of whatever this bug is (because seriously – it needs to GO), I will be on the lookout for the next adventure or disaster. Whichever I find, I’ll be more than happy to share it with you.

Looking for a Children's Book Artist/Illustrator: An Open Letter to Visual Artists

Dear Artist (who takes pity on poor writers like yours truly),

I'm looking for images to replace clip art in my book.

I also want to add avatar tags to the text. See an example of what I mean.

(Page 5 of YCCMM, with Avatar tags)

I want to replace pages one and two with images of the artist's choice that show a play date and one mom and kid leaving.Then, as you can see from the story, the rest of the conversation can take place anywhere -- a park, a car, or a home kitchen. I want the artist to have fun with different backgrounds if s/he wants.

If I buy your work, you retain the rights. I know I can't draw!
I would like the artist to have an "about the illustrator" page with photo or illustration and bio. I am good with words & can write the bio if supplied information.

My finished book will be available on Amazon.com in print & ebook. Cheap(er) art will allow a cheap(er) book that can be sold to more people & promote your art. Promoting yourself with my book will help me sell books. Win-Win. I'd like us both to be rich and famous!




I am also looking to work with someone who has more technical skills than I do. The artist for Martha's Chickens & the Pirates was/is wonderful, but I had to do all the formatting and someone in the business or having better tools in pursuit of his/her hobby might save me a lot of time and frustration, resulting in a better book for the consumer.

So I am contacting several artists to see their rates, and writing open letters like this one. I am hoping to find someone willing to provide art for $5 to $10 per page. I know good artists are worth more, but writers like me can't afford it!

With so much appreciation and respect for your talent,